goldenglasses | [Accidental Voice / Action]

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[Accidental Voice / Action]

[Vash has started to keep to himself more the past couple days. Rem's arrival had almost made him forget this day, but he could never really forget.

Today he heads out early, trying to leave the new house before anyone else is awake. He finds a spot near the fountain to do some early morning people watching before getting up and heading to the bakery. He stops outside, knowing this isn't really where he wants to be, it's just habit. He turns and heads to the flower shop instead. He doesn't stay long, just long enough to make sure that everything is still running smooth without Aerith.

He checks the time to duck over to Good Spirits quickly. He wants to be there and gone before Meryl's shift. He orders a couple of beers before he starts growing restless again. This wasn't right either. What was he suppose to do on this day? How could he ever fix this mistake?

Without much thought he grabs a couple bottle and heads out into the forest. He walks for a bit before just sitting down against a tree inspecting his find. People said this blue stuff was strong, now seemed to be a good time to try it out.

Some point in his drinking his journal falls out of his pocket and starts to record. For awhile it records very little until suddenly-]

CRASH!

[There's the sound of a whiskey bottle shattering as it's thrown against a tree. It's followed by silence that is slowly broken by soft sobs.]

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. I - I didn't mean to.

(ooc: Anyone who wants to talk to Vash before he gets himself drunk is free to call for him over the journals! He'll have it on him all day! Or run into him pretty much anywhere.)

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Even after tracking and chasing down the man responsible for it?

No, I mean... it's been two years since home, now... but, Vash, what were you just doing, then?

I found someone, who was related to Rem. I wanted to tell him about her. [Don't mind him. He's just a little drunk and easily confused right now.]

[ She probably has heard this, but she will let him speak all the same. ]

And what happened?

[His voice wavers in and out from talking in a normal voice and yelling as he speaks.] I just wanted TO TALK to him ABOUT Rem! That's ALL I WANTED to do! I didn't want... I didn't MEAN TO...

[And then his voice chokes off, starting to break into tears again.]

...I just wanted to tell him about Rem.

You wanted someone who might be a connection to her, but things didn't go well... because of him. That man did it, Vash. He used you, if I remember right.

He was there, but I should have stopped it. I should have... had control.

...maybe if I hadn't tried to shoot him... then everyone... more people might have... but I was being selfish.

Did you even know how to stop it? Do you now?

[Not back then, but he can control it a little better now. Of course, being drunk has never let anyone think overly rational before. So instead he's quiet for a moment before speaking on the brink of tears once again.]

I'm a monster.

Vash, stop this. Listen to me, you're not a monster. You were never a monster. Other people have made you seem like one because they don't take the time to understand. It's not you.

People who destroy cities are monsters.

You're condemning yourself for something you never meant to do. Do you think this is helping anyone?

No. [It comes out almost like a childish whine.] But I don't know how to help anyone here. [Well, those related to Lost July is what he means, but he forgets to add that part.]

I don't either, Vash, but this isn't the way.

I know, I know!

You need to calm down, Vash... things will be alright.

How? How will things be alright?

Because, since then, people have worked to rebuild themselves. Everyone but yourself. Things will be alright if you realize humans are more tenacious than you think.

I know they are! I know! I do! [There's a hint of panic in his voice. You know he doesn't think of you as worthless, don't you? He's not like Knives! He knows how great and wonderful humans can be!]

Then stop this! Stop blaming yourself and stop feeling sorry for us and stop pitying yourself. Stop thinking punishing yourself is the solution. Stop thinking that reliving the same three events in your life, dwelling on them, is how you should make it up to people -- no, make yourself feel better. Do you think you've done nothing to help people? Do you think you've done nothing but hurt?

I have been with you, recording and seeing the things you do, for only a short time but I've seen what you do, how you act... and unless you've been lying to me, to everyone, this whole time... unless you've been a fake all along... there is no way this person who has changed so many lives could be a monster!

But so many, so many people have gotten hurt, all because of me. And so many people have died. They still would be around right now if they had never met me.

And what about the people that are alive because of you? Don't they mean anything?

Of course they do, everyone is important. But saving one won't bring back the others I've hurt.

I just don't understand... why you're the only one you see as irredeemable.

[He's been starting to learn he is, really his has, but with today being what it is and how much he's drank it's all a bit fuzzy right now.

So that's why he keeps his mouth shut.]

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